I’m completely stuck. Shocked to the core. Salem’s gone. He got so much worse yesterday evening. We called the emergency vet and kept him as comfortable as possible over night, and took him in this morning.

We had to wait for the vet to arrive, but the nurse did some checks, his pulse was too slow, breathing too slow and body temperature 6^oC lower than it should have been. She thought he was giving up, as did I, but there was still a part of me that hoped they might put him on a drip to give him the energy he needed to conquer the cat flu and renal disease. But the vet didn’t know how well he would respond to that, and we decided it was kinder to let him go.

It broke my heart. I’m still shocked, and I keep thinking it’s a dream and I’ll get woken up by his yowling outside my bedroom door. But I won’t. It’s just horrible life. Throwing you the worst obstacles at just the wrong times, like when you have AS exams next week. I just can’t stop crying. I’m distraught.. Thinking about how poorly he was, it was probably for the best, to be the fairest to him. He’d given up himself, so we gave him what he wanted I suppose. It all just happened so fast. This time last week he was fine; although a little thin he was acting like his usual stupid self. All bouncy and loud.. But then he was quiet and calm, and slowly got worse. In the case of a week, my Salem went from a fully functioning idiot cat to a tiny little thing that was struggling to hold on..

It makes me feel sick to think about it really. And I know it’s not the best topic to talk about, but the rant is definitely calming me down. I don’t know what to do with myself. I couldn’t go into school, not straight after we said goodbye to our baby at half past 8 this morning. I’m going to miss him so much. But I hope having Whiskers will be a comfort, not a reminder of how horribly things turned out. And maybe I’ll be able to come to terms with it and realise that we did do everything we could for him and gave him the best life a cat could have, and in the end we did the right thing for his good.

It’s just a shame it’s breaking me completely..