It’s roughly quarter to midnight now, at the start of this post, that is being written with the marvellous WordPress App on my iPhone. As I tried to write that sentence, the screen didn’t scroll so I couldn’t see what I was failing to write; that how’s you how wonderful the app really is. As for the ramble..

Today was a bit different. Actually, the whole weekend has been different. (screen is now scrolling perfectly)

It’s been different because on Friday night and last night (saturday night), Toby and I slept apart at our own homes. I can’t actually remember a time when this didn’t happen, so the fact that it didn’t happen this weekend is odd. I miss him. That’s honest, but I’m wondering if we’ve got to a stage in the relationship where I think we will survive me going to university. This is only because I miss him; I miss him enough to want to see him again and have him stay over, but not too much that I wont be able to live without him at Uni. I’m really happy about this.

On the other hand, a few things have made me a bit less happy. Firstly, our friend Phil isn’t doing to well following his breakup with his girlfriend of 3 years. She ended it just before Christmas I think, but he still sees her and hears about her adventures with her new man and what she’s been doing with him that she never did with Phil (wink wink), and he’s pretty upset about it. I’m trying to help him as much as I possibly can, and I guess this has sort of led to jokes about him living relationships through Toby and I, and us sharing each other with him and such like. Anyway the thing is I caught myself feeling very content snuggling between them on the sofa on Friday night. I suppose this isn’t a bad thing, as I don’t feel for Phil the way I do for Toby, I think it’s just a comfort and friendly thing. I definitely want to be there for him, I’m just worried Toby will get the wrong idea. I want to make it very clear that it’s not bad. I don’t want Phil like that. I will not run off with him. I want to help him as much as I can to feel better about himself and get Sophie back, or get someone new.

In a similar, but not too similar, note.. My ex boyfriend came down with his family today, which I guess has sparked some panic. Now some people may be wondering why he visited…

Sam (the ex) is the son of a woman my mum went to university with, with whom mum stayed in touch with, even though they live in Manchester. We didn’t see then for a good few years, and they visited in Feb 2008. I liked the way Sam had grown up since I last saw him, & I could tell he was my type of guy, liked my music etc. That visit went fine, and the next time they stayed with us for a weekend for the uni reunion of our mothers. We had a really fun weekend with his sister and my brother, and it wasn’t until a month or so later when we ended up talking on MSN. it was the good old days, after all. Eventually it was mentioned that we both wanted more than the hug goodbye and we got together.

We talked on the phone, texted and all that, and the weekend before our 1 month anniversary, I visited him with mum. I spent the Friday night with him in his room. We didn’t do what you’re thinking, but I probably would have if he’d asked me to. We had a great rest of the weekend, and I really missed him when I went home on the Sunday night.

Then, on the Monday, ‘Kat I’ve been meaning to talk to you’. I wondered, was that ‘we haven’t spoken yet today’ or ‘we NEED to talk’. It was both. The story was he hadn’t loved me. For the whole weekend he had pretended as he didn’t want it to be awkward. He’d strung me along for fear of awkwardness. And I would have given him everything..

We didn’t speak after that, until I saw him today. I wondered last night if it would bring back feelings, and which feelings it would bring back. As soon as I saw him I knew exactly. I didn’t hate him, I wasn’t sad. It was that small flutter that I got when I saw him all grown up for the first time. We had a nice afternoon, talking with the family, and he gave me a hug goodbye, exactly how he did the first couple of times.

So now I’m in bed, missing him a little. The stuff we talked about today probably shows why. Uni was mentioned.. He’s doing conservation biology, after thinking of marine biology and zoology, like me. We talked for a short while about limpets, and also about eagles and other wildlife. It got me thinking how similar our interests are, and how well we would go together.

Now I want to apologise to Toby if he’s reading this, but it will become clear why I’m doing so…

Toby doesn’t share my interest in biology, but I don’t share his interest in some computer things. We don’t always agree on everything, but a lot of the time, that’s what makes us work. That’s what makes us interesting an not repetitive or always into one thing. I love that we’re different people, I love that there are things that we can teach each other, things that I would never have liked at all if not for him, and vice versa. Fair enough me and Sam go better on paper, but it wouldn’t work. Me and Toby do work. We are working and we have done for over 2 years.

The whole point is, no matter who I like or have liked or even maybe will like a little in the future, me and Toby click better than any other man you could match me with. I may think about the chance of someone else once if I see them, but I never want it.

I’m writing from the heart now, and all my heart truly, madly, deeply wants is Toby Hewett. So he doesn’t need to worry his little cotton socks :)